TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Trump Tower Damascus Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting awareness from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount can even include:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where by my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


One more article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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